Hugh's Blog

There’s nothing worse than the email that starts with “We have to talk….”.
It’s natural that getting feedback ranks with other fun events like flu shots and trips to the dentist. It’s simple; nobody wants to be told they screwed up. But what if receiving feedback was something you were actually grateful for?

I received some feedback recently from a client that went something like this: “Hugh, some of the people in your session felt there wasn’t enough time for interaction and to learn from others.” (Note that feedback rarely starts with some good news!)

It’s human nature to want to get the other person’s attention by starting with the bad news. It’s also human nature for our brain to go into protective mode. After all we are hard wired to protect ourselves. You might have a Ph.D in psychology, but be accused of wrongdoing and the heart rate goes up, muscles tense and the mind quickly prepares its defense statement. None of this is going to help.

Sure, it would be great if everyone was more sensitive, understanding, balanced and kind with their delivery, but that’s not something we can control. All we can control is our end of the conversation and that’s where I have some advice for you.

First, you need to recognize and embrace that feedback is a part of life. You might have a glowing record of success in your work, be the perfect husband/wife and outstanding with your kids. But the reality is that you screw it up sometimes.

My first 10 years of marriage were a blessed wake up call to all of my bad habits. And I mean “blessed” because without the feedback from my beautiful wife I would still be blindly repeating some pretty selfish, insensitive, and down-right stupid behaviours.  If you don’t like feedback, just ask yourself what you would prefer: to know the truth, or to be bumbling along ignorant of your faults?

Next, I find it helpful to remember that I will be a little choked by the news I’m receiving. To hear that you have underperformed (maybe even in front of your peers) hurts. We all see ourselves as being pretty special, talented and good looking (or at least two of these). And it’s not the best feeling to be told that our illusion of greatest is a little tarnished in other’s eyes. It’s even more painful when the deliverer of the news tries to strengthen their argument by informing you that others think the same thing, or that you “always” do this, or by overstating the impact of your misdeed (e.g. “…has really screwed things up for us…”) We may be an adult, but at times like this we are a five-year old in a big body and the endorphins and adrenalin take over.

“Blame is for God and small children” – Dustin Hoffman

The last step is to practice successful strategies for receiving and responding to feedback. Next time this happens, try these three strategies:

Be quiet

When we are being told that our report was not up to snuff, our comment was hurtful, or that we were late (again) picking up the kids the best strategy is to be quiet. That’s all—be quiet and listen. It might be that every cell in your body wants to lash out and fight back, but this is when you need to out smart biology. Interrupting, arguing back or getting defensive just adds fuel to the fire. What could have been a positive learning experience now is a full out battle of the wits and both parties will lose. Instead, take the high road and use their opening volley as a trigger to calm the mind and have only one focus: to listen and learn.

At these moments I remind myself that this is not a personal attack. Of course, it is about me, but it is only about my behaviour—and that can be changed. Unless this person really has it out for you, they are simply reporting (albeit in their often insensitive way) on your behaviour. The personal attack part is just what you made up in your five-year old brain. Breathing and shifting your focus to the big picture can help (e.g. ‘we do have a strong relationship and this is only a small correction’.)

“If we insist on an eye for an eye, the whole world will be blind.” – Mohandas K. Gandhi

Be honest

When we get triggered we want to defend ourselves. It’s human nature. It’s also not all that helpful. I’ve watched a single comment turn a conversation on it’s head and both parties go into full out battle of words in an instant. Instead, a little dose of honesty on our part goes a long way.

When I am receiving feedback I remind myself that this is probably good medicine (maybe delivered in a nasty tasting pill) that will help me. I don’t think there has ever been an instant when feedback I have received has not had some truth in it. I was insensitive with my staff. I might not be “always” insensitive, but I was this time and is has likely happened before. So, this feedback is a good reminder of how I can improve.

I subscribe to the advice: “The fastest way to change someone is for you to go first.” When we are honest with our self and admit to our faults the other person may begin to mysteriously appear different. No longer are they the fire-breathing critic, instead they are simply trying to share and we need to listen.

Note, this does not mean of course that they are always perfectly right. Of course the other person, the one delivering the feedback, might have it wrong, or might be overstating the point. Fair enough, but by overreacting on our part it just makes it worse. Instead, when we take the higher ground and breath, put the feedback in perspective and recognize the lessons to be learnt, our opponent can become our ally.

Be kind

Lastly, there is no point making the situation worse. Adding fuel to the fire by retorting with your defensiveness and counter-attacks might earn you a few points, but will certainly not help the relationship. If we truly believe that we want honestly in our relationship, then it is our responsibility to help the other person to feel safe delivering it. Fighting back is a short-sighted, simple-minded approach to resolution and doesn’t belong in our offices, kitchens or bedrooms.

I know I’m far from perfect, but it still stings a bit to be reminded of it. But I have learned that with a little bit of listening, some honesty and big dose of kindness what started out as a sting can become a blessing.

I hope this helps.

“Life is an adventure in forgiveness.” – Norman Cousins

PS if you missed some of my Work Smarter seminars they will be posted soon on our site.

Tags: accountability, business, business growth, change, decisions, effectiveness, inspiration, leadership, promises, success

I have a tip for any of you that make presentations—go naked.

Whether you only stand in front of group on threat of firing squad or you’re the type that thrives on it there is a better way to impact people.

I have spent the better part of 18 years fooling around with PowerPoint slides, mind maps, notes, index cards, even taping full size flip chart sheets on the stage to prompt me. All this planning was great for perfecting my content, but not so great for truly impacting people and changing their lives.

We can get all the “perfect” speeches we want on YouTube—we don’t more perfect speeches. Instead audiences want you to be real, vulnerable, honest and passionate about what gets you out of bed in the morning. They want you naked.

Recently I was preparing for a speech for a tourism conference—formal event, lots of important folks coming and I wanted to really knock their socks off.

For three weeks I thought about it, reviewed past speeches, asked lots of questions to folks in the industry, even did research on line. But, as I got closer to the event I knew it still didn’t feel right—it was too routine and big chunks were just old stuff reworked. So I started to go naked.

At first it was just a couple of the slides deleted from my presentation deck and then four more, and a few more after that. And my notes went from six pages to four and then to two and, in the end, I hardly used then.

It certainly wasn’t a slick speech, but I think it was one of the best I’ve delivered in a long time.

Here’s the deal with audiences. It doesn’t matter if your speaking to an all female audience, a room full of doctors, or garbage collectors at their annual barbeque—people want to know what you think and feel, not what you found on Google, pre-scripted, or said hundreds of times before to different groups.

It’s all about knowing your stuff, figuring out how to best present it and then leaving the slides and notes behind. Go naked!

I have one more free seminar coming up. And this one is a bonus for anyone that wants to perform at their best – all day!

CREATE ENERGY FOR LIFE – how to create your ultimate day.

Tues. Nov 15 – 10:15-11:00 PST

Get the scoop here

Tags: accountability, culver, effectiveness, entrepreneurs, inspiration, motivation, organization, program notes, speech

In a keynote last week I was telling the story about our first facsimile machine.

It was so big that it was delivered on a dolly to our Granville Island office. This new wonder of technology and communications even had it’s own table. And, like a Skinner experiment, we leaped up whenever the facsimile rang and the thermal paper slowly started to curl out (and if you weren’t fast enough and the sun was out the paper would actually turn black like some Harry Potter magical parchment.)

But here’s the deal. It didn’t take long for us to realize that it was a waste of time to get up every time the facsimile rang. Sure, once in a while there was something important, but mostly not.

So what’s with email? We’ve had it for over a decade and we still want to look at it as soon as it pops into our InBox. How crazy is that?

And I hear excuses, like:

“I have to respond quickly or they will track me down and ask me why I haven’t.”

“I don’t want to hold people up.”

“It bothers me to see those messages unanswered.”

“If I don’t get to them quickly then I’ll never catch up.”

Nonsense.

Unless you are in a call centre role where your response time impacts others you need to treat email more like a photocopier than the old facsimile; go there when you need to, but don’t live there.

Here’s what I recommend:

• Limit yourself to 10-15 minutes in morning to check on critical messages.
• Stay off it for 90 minutes while you do one half of your hardest work of the day.
• Visit email for concentrated (minimum 15 minutes) chunks of time 3-4 times during the day and in between stay focused on single tasking and crossing work off your list.
• Don’t check email when you are with humans, in the bathroom, standing in line for coffee, or driving your car. It used to be cool, but so were turtlenecks sweaters and bell bottom pants.

Most of us don’t even have a facsimile machine anymore. In fact, we wouldn’t ever want one again. I think it’s time to rethink our relationship with the InBox as well.

I just posted my new e-book. I called it “Work Smarter-uncommon strategies for getting more stuff done (without working harder)” I think you’ll like it.

Tags: accountability, business growth, decisions, effectiveness, entrepreneurs, growth, inspiration, leadership, motivation, success, time management