Hughs Blog

The payoff of avoidance

It didn’t come out until late in the workshop: “why don’t you address people when they upset you?” I was asking the question to a manager of training for a biotech company in my Facing the Tiger workshop. “Why don’t you just tell them that you are upset?” I asked. “I don’t know” she admitted, “I guess I don’t want to make things worse.”

How about for you? Do you avoid uncomfortable conversations? I know I have on far too many occasions. And who is the loser?

When we don’t speak up and let people know our needs we both lose. We don’t get to know how the relationship could be better and the other person is left with no clue as to what is wrong.

I used to just assume that I was procrastinating because I didn’t want to ‘rock the boat’ by making things worse. But here is a reframe that I like better: I avoid potentially nasty conversations because there is a payoff in my inaction. Seem weird? Let me explain.

There is a payoff in everything we do; it’s just that the payoff usually isn’t very obvious. When I avoid a conversation that I know I should be having I get to avoid the potential of being uncomfortable. That’s the payoff for me. Meanwhile, the payoff of having the conversation doesn’t seem valuable enough for me to change my mind. So I avoid the conversation.

It’s really no different than choosing to watch Oprah reruns instead of going to the gym or for a walk. The immediate payoff (Oh goody! Dr. Phil will be on) is far more obvious than some distant promise of better health.

OK, so what’s the solution? Simple, find a bigger payoff for taking action and the procrastination heads off to find another victim. Let me give you an example.

When find myself avoiding a potentially difficult conversation I refocus on the uncertainty and distraction I will experience because of my avoidance. It’s pretty simple, the cost of avoidance needs to be greater than the temporary pleasure from inaction.

By the way, now you know why 97% of Canadians don’t have a plan for retirement or anywhere near enough saved to enjoy it.

Go for it!

Hugh

Tags: culver